watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
I feel attacked.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Was it something I said?
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.