*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
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*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude