(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
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When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
seems like a niche market
She was rare, like a goth jogging
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot