Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Always leave them wanting their money back.

Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch

THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes

6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes

6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes

6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes

6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?

COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken

I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.

Vegetarian? Sea kelp.

Cannibal? Seek help.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.