[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
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Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.