Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.