Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
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we all know this pain all too well
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
selena gomez
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.