Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time