watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Ooops wrong house😂😜
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.