[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.