(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
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Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
This is a whole mood;
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.