Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…

My problem areas are my upper arms & earth

Meow

got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”

Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.

[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”

I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.

One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50

*me flirting

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.

Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.

You don’t know.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.

[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]

*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!