Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
what’s more important?
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.