[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
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The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Check out the legs on this baby
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.