[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
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Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.