[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.