[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy