Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.