*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?