*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool