[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.