Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.