water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
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The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Bike for sale
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.