Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
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Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
🙁
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
dogs can find happiness so easily
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.