Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
dutch so unserious
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.