Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.

1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer

1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer

2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C

I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”

I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

“What are you doing here?”

I just got fired from the circus

“Oh my”

Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.

Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?

Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée

Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.

Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

I get it, rotisserie chicken.

I hate it when people stare at me too