water it, i dare you
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
my sentiments exactly
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage