WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
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I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.