Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
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When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
What my back needs
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Holy shit he’s back
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Why am I like this?
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