Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
You Might Also Like
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Always