Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
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I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
when nothing goes right… go left
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.