Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
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So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Breaking news:
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Thoughts and Prayers aren鈥檛 working, it鈥檚 time to start pitching folks into a volcano
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I鈥檓 starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Son鈥檚 journal entry
馃挴 sweet 馃挴 inaccurate on all counts
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven鈥檛 seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
He鈥檚 mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.