Watermelon Boss!
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you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Hot hot hot 🥵
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Sniffing the broccoli
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues