“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
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All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”