Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
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Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what