Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?

Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol

Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!

This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.

MISSING: 5 year old

LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”

DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered

Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?

Me: You have those here?!