Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
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For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
Those are good neighbors.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?