WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
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It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.