Watson was Holmes schooled
You Might Also Like
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
This checks out
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?