Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times