*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.