@rebrafsim

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

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@TeaAndCopy

ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything

@iwearaonesie

me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat

@Billhenry16

I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:

“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.

@Darlainky

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

@Kyle_Lippert

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

@PickleRudd

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

@AIanHangover

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.