*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
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I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
I need to update my racial profile.
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.