[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
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[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.