Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Selfie
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Care for your back
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.