Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
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My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.