Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Has science gone too far?
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough