Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
But that’s none of my business
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
uh oh
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme