Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
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Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos