Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
damn he’s good
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
*sewing*
A thread
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?