@kelkulus

Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:

1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab

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@Wakenbake77

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

@TheSadnesses

[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]

@ShaeAaron

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

@OBiiieeee

Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.

@SortaBad

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

@JohnLyonTweets

Her: Hi hun.

Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.

@MiddleageM

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…