Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
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A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.