Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
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@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Everything reminds me of my ex
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”