@Reverend_Scott

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

You Might Also Like

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

@iwearaonesie

*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*

this is why I drink

@BuckyIsotope

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

@vladchoc

Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?

@TheTweetOfGod

When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.

@birbigs

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

@SharpeBytes

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

@RobDenBleyker

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

@DirtMcTurd

Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins

@carlawh

When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.