Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
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I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.